The time … I had the final IEP meeting

So I was sent the final official IEP to review.

It basically stated everything we had discussed. I only found 1 mistake which I thought wasn’t minor. They had put as math level 2nd grade instead of 3rd.

I wasn’t sure if it was indeed a mistake but I knew well enough that my son’s math skills were pretty advanced.

When I pointed it out to the psychologist he didn’t take it too well. He was expecting a comment on the actual IEP but I just pointed out this mistake which … was indeed a mistake.

We had to have a “reconvene” IEP meeting to officially fix that error.

At the reconvene meeting the participants were the district rep / gen ed, my son’s teacher who apparently is also a special ed teacher (I was not aware of), the psychologist, husband and I.

And the end of the meeting the psychologist told me one last thing, these were his words:

“If I had a son I would want you to be his advocate, keep up with the good work”.

I smiled so big. I was tearing up. I really tried hard to get this IEP, no matter how many times he tried to brush me off I kept on going.

Finally my work was appreciated by someone. I didn’t do it for anybody but my son. Plus I am pretty stubborn and that helps.

And this was the highlight of my day.

The time … my son’s school gave me anxiety

My older son has been having difficulties with school since … preK!

Not sure what happened in that school but he started being aggressive towards the teachers, hitting, spitting etc. I would get calls on a daily basis.

In school, myself, I always tried to be the “good” student. It doesn’t mean I was getting good grades (even though I tried) or I didn’t cheat (I did when I could).

But thing is a never wanted to be “caught” doing something I wasn’t supposed to do.

I remember once I was walking around the halls with my Walkman earphones tucked in my ears hidden by my hair. Yes, I was during school hours, I had stepped out to get something. I bumped into the principal who caught my hidden earphones and grabbed them.

The principal was a kind but severe woman. I liked her. When she caught me I felt a bit embarrassed.

It happened another time … I was late to come back to school after lunch (we were in high school) … I was with another girl.

The principal caught us and “yelled” at us for being late. I almost started crying … when I told my friend she was like “I almost started laughing at her” … clearly different reactions to reprimand.

I was not an A+ student. It doesn’t mean I wasn’t studying trust me, I was studying a lot but I was not the kind of kid who would absorb all the info in the classroom, I never even listened in the classroom, I preferred to do everything later at home.

My grades were a consistent 6 and sometimes 5.

In 8th grade I failed English. In 9th grade I failed English and French (remember, I went to school in Europe so English was my foreign language) in 10th grade I didn’t fail anything. What changed?

Self confidence.

This is what happened:

There was a history test I didn’t want to take. My parents used to let me skip school when I wanted because they trusted me as I have always been very responsible. I didn’t go to school that day.

The following day the history teacher told us that all the students who had missed the history test will have to take it the following day!!!

I couldn’t skip it again, it would have been too obvious! I was in a panic.

Once home I took my history book and started highlighting and writing ONLY the most important parts on a paper and I literally memorized it word by word.

The following day I was very scared. I answered the questions, some I didn’t know but I just wrote everything I had memorized hoping the professor would appreciate that I knew “something” at least.

I didn’t have a good feeling about it but it was what it was.

The following week she gave the tests back and she started this way:

“Pretty good job but I was impressed in particularly by one of you … “Ellie” you got the best grade, 7 1/2″

(Yup 7 1/2 was the best apparently)

I was totally shocked. I literally didn’t expect it but that gave me so much confidence that I finally figured out a way to “study”, clearly not the best way but apparently it was working for me. Obviously I don’t remember anything of the stuff I memorized at the time but I finally started to get better grades. This confidence helped me also with math and other subjects. I dropped my tutor and was able to do all the work on my own.

Unfortunately the morning of my high school test I feel and split my chin. So my test overall didn’t go too well and I ended up passing with an average of 6. Oh well. It is what it is.

All this to say that my older is not like me. He listens and absorbs what is being taught in class which I think is great as it saves tons of time at home but his anxiety totally interferes with his academics and that’s why I am trying to get him an IEP but the school is fighting me hard on it.

Older definitely thinks outside of the box. He always has these crazy projects in mind which usually include destroying part of the house.

He never really played with actual toys, he would always be interested in anything that was NOT a toy, since he was a toddler.

I hate getting emails from his teachers, I hate getting letters of promotion in doubt. After writing this post I am thinking that it may be because of my own experience with school.

My brother used to always get in trouble in school and I made it my mission not to get in trouble or have the teachers call my parents.

So my older being so difficult may ne hard on me because of my own childhood. I just have such a hard time dealing with it. He is a bright kid and I constantly fight for him (in the school environment) as my husband says, I am his best advocate.

I wish I had an advocate when I was in school. You have to know that I stutter, nobody can tell usually but in school it was pretty bad. I wish I had someone to ask the teachers not to make me read out loud because I just couldn’t. A teacher even made fun of me once. I went to the principal myself and reported him. At the time I was already in high school though. But elementary was hard and middle school as well. Nobody helped me, I had no advocate and I was too little and shy to advocate for myself.

Well, that’s the past, all I can do now is try to help older son.

The time … my nanny didn’t show up

Every other week my nanny finds an excuse to skip Mondays.

Who likes Mondays.

Thing is I have therapy on Mondays and if the nanny doesn’t show up I have to cancel my therapy too as nobody is here to watch my extremely needy kids.

This day started bad. Toddler woke up screaming a few times thinking there was a snake in bed. Ok.

I woke up tired.

Husband had already left.

Today was the first day of a new Zoom schedule for older. Yes, because Zoom is not already messed up as it is they decided to change teachers and the entire schedule 2 months before the end of the school year. Brilliant. Absolutely brilliant.

My son has anxiety and adjustment disorder which is pretty much self explanatory.

He did NOT adjust well at all.

He was supposed to meet the teachers this morning at 8.35 and he missed it, he barely had breakfast, he had a math test, he was supposed to meet the school psychologist at 1 pm and he forgot about that too and I was in the basement doing laundry so I didn’t hear my phone ringing or my reminder go off.

Has been a challenging day for me.

Plus I am brainstorming ways to make money as I feel husband doesn’t appreciate my work as a stay at home mom but YOU try to take pictures while kids keeps on calling you for any no reason.

Kids and parents are not meant to spend so much time together I was told by my son’s social worker. And she is damn right. I can’t handle this.

I have 2 kids with 2 different needs. Both needy for different reasons. One has anxiety the other is a toddler which clearly needs more attention but not exactly, sometimes older needs more attention than toddler.

Bottom line, it’s a mess. And I am not in such a great state of mind myself. I get overwhelmed and I can’t function anymore.

Older just asked me for orange juice.

He sits behind his freaking laptop asking for food or drinks all day. He said he was hungry, I told him to get his butt off the chair and get himself a snack. I hate, despise snacks so much.

I grew up eating 3 meals and 1 small snack after school.

My toddler can snack all day long, I hate it so much.

So now I am hiding upstairs and my older is calling me asking me for carrots. Yes, I appreciate that he wants a healthy snack but I can’t, I just can’t, it’s too much for me. I need to get away from them. They need me all the time.

I think some mothers thrive of this feeling of being needed all the time and that’s why they can handle many kids, because they want someone to always rely on them and need them.

I can’t! I just can’t! I can barely take care of myself. I want to do something for ME but I don’t even know WHAT I want to do for me.

Someone asked me what I do to make myself happy. The honest truth is nothing. I have no hobbies, nothing I enjoy doing that makes me feel better.

The only time I have to think about ME, about what I can sell, what I can make by hand and sell… is late at night when the kids are finally asleep, and by then I am exhausted too as it’s usually 9.30 and sometimes 10 pm.

Even when the nanny is here do you think the kids stop calling me? Nope, they call me all day long, they constantly need something, can be reassurance, can be a cookie, can be a nag, can be an anxiety attack, can be a tantrum, I must be there at all the times to attend to them.

My nanny is not really a nanny, is more like a messy cleaning lady who doesn’t speak English but loves kids. I mean I have to be home too, she wouldn’t be able to handle both boys for a long time.

Since toddler was born I always had help. My mother was a huge help and we had the nanny. Obviously husband says that toddler has tantrums because there are always too many people around him doing whatever he asks/needs. He wouldn’t think that’s his personality, clearly it’s someone’s fault and that someone is me obviously.

I don’t feel appreciated as a stay at home mom. I always wanted to be a stay at home mom but I feel like I have to do something else to feel appreciated.

But how can I work in this environment.

I can’t especially if I have no help.

I am so tired. I still have to give them dinner and finish doing laundry.

I swear even when my nanny is here I feel like I am running all day doing things around the house but if you ask me what I did I can’t explain it but I did a ton of stuff.

I am trying to sell or give away or throw out anything that we haven’t used in years.

I found like 100 shopping bags from various stores, my mom used to keep them all, she liked them, some are pretty, I agree.

I kept some and threw some out.

Unfortunately husband saw the ones I threw in the garbage in the garage and took them out. How can I throw out stuff when I live with a horder??? He explained that he needs them to take stuff to the office so he won’t need to bring the bag back. I can already see the pile of bags accumulating in his office.

I have to throw stuff out when he is not home clearly.

I gave away 1 full bag of my old clothes, trying to sell 2 full bags of clothes I haven’t worn in years but they go so slow. Kids clothes seem to go a bit faster.

I keep on finding stuff I can sell and I put them on Ebay. I thought that with the traffic Ebay has my stuff should go pretty fast but it hasn’t worked that way unfortunately.

I thought of buying stuff on Aliexpress for cheap and resell it on other platforms but can’t find a good niche.

I thought of making papercut “home blessings” which I can sell for a good amount as hand made stuff is particularly appreciated in the US but I have never done it and I have to practice. I know I am capable but I never tried! Plus my cousin does it and I wouldn’t want to steal work from him.

I really don’t know what to do but I really want to make money somehow.

This blog is time consuming and gets me no income unfortunately but it’s a way for me to get my thoughts down and out. I wish I would get some comments though so I wouldn’t feel like I am talking to myself all the time.

Anyway, my older has been yelling “carrots” for the past 30 minutes, after yelling “orange juice” for 1 hour and when I made him fresh orange juice he didn’t drink it.

This is my life.

Someone today asked me what I like about this world. My answer was nothing.

The time … I yelled back at him

So today was pre op testing for my toddler, he needs to have a procedure next week and he needed a physical and a covid test. Darn it, we were able to avoid these damn covid tests till now but this time I had no way around it.

Anyway, husband didn’t read the memo in my calendar invite and thought surgery was actually today so he was pretty annoyed when he learned it wasn’t. Plus these hospitals allow only 1 parent to go in with the child and that parent is me, no matter what he says. So he felt I was using him as a chauffeur although I called him and told him to come in as they allowed him to be in the waiting room with us.

Anyway.

When we came home he decided to work from home today (omg).

I started cooking for Shabbat (a huge list of dishes husband had sent me).

At one point older son runs downstairs in tears, freaking out. No, husband didn’t hit him, someone hacked into his email account and he couldn’t get in anymore. I am not totally fine myself emotionally and when he has meltdowns I have a hard time dealing with them myself, I tried to be cool, as his therapist suggested, and not give too much weight to his anxiety attack (doesn’t sound so right though, I really need to find him a new therapist but you can’t understand how hard it is to find one … any one!). Anyway, he cried for a hour and I told him we will deal with after Zoom school.

In the meantime I get a group text message about our health insurance.

Health insurance in the US is a disaster but I found this insurance that gives you the monthly rate offered to big corporations but for smaller groups. Basically you get amazing insurance (Aetna, which most amazing doctors accept) for the price of a crappy Obamacare one.

Unfortunately most men (I said MOST, not all) don’t understand the importance of a good health insurance.

So he wrote the people in the group how annoyed he is that the company raised the processing fee again and all the members of the group (mostly men) all got heated up saying stuff like :”yeh, let’s change!” “I was thinking of changing!” “This is ridiculous” etc

These people never compared prices and/or have no idea what a good health insurance mean and how important it is and how much it costs, they only look at the price and they say is expensive, I can’t wait for them to drop out and look for a new insurance! And BTW, these are all high earning people, no low income, so they are not eligible for anything cheap lol

I wrote that sure, they can switch to Obamacare which no doctor accepts and you can pay out of pocket for visits with a decent doctor that can go from $150 to $450/ visit, and good luck to you if you need surgery.

My husband didn’t like my answer.

He came downstairs to the kitchen and started yelling at me saying that he is the one who has to spend hours with this company figuring out prices etc.

At this point I got tired because it was not true, I called the company per his request and I figure out the prices for each member of the group and took me a few hours.

So I yelled back, just as loud as his effin megaphone voice (standing ovation, thanks!) Saying that he has got to stop yelling at me, I am tired of this habit. He yelled even louder :”yes, yell louder!!!”

But after that he backed off finally.

Effin finally.

Usually I shut off into myself and ignore him but today I had enough.

Finally I stood my ground. He is an ahole, what can I do.

Then goes ahead telling me he gave up drugs because of me (hahahahahahahahahaha) sure! And because he stopped doing drugs he can’t deal with his work and is too stressed and he wish he would die. So I suggested him to kill himself. I had enough. How much guilt can be thrown at me?

And then it hit me!! He has no idea how to self regulate!!!!!! What do you call adults who can’t self regulate? A-holes? No … usually self regulation techniques are taught to toddlers through occupational therapy. I guess I have to thank his mother for not being on top of her sh*t as a mother.

This big kid doesn’t know how to self regulate, that’s a HUGE issue!!!

That in fact may be the ACTUAL issue!

Maybe he is not an ahole, maybe he is not a drug addict, maybe he is not bipolar … maybe he just need to learn to self regulate.

Well, it’s not like he is going to try to learn to self regulate at 40. I don’t think he would even understand that is his issue.

I am considering trying homeopathy with him. I found this great homeopath who had success treating people with bipolar disorder successfully. Only thing is that I will have to slip the remedy into him somehow as he won’t take it willingly.

I have to talk to the homepath and see what he thinks but is an option a step before divorcing him.

The time … husband put the kids to sleep.

Husband came home, is Sunday evening.

Kids were happy to see him. Ok.

Husband had put toddler for a nap and I wasn’t in the mood to fight with him (toddler) to sleep as if he naps he goes to sleep by 10 pm so I let husband deal with it and I stayed downstairs.

I was warning some dinner for myself when I hear my husband coming downstairs (oh crap, what does he want), I didn’t look but heard his footsteps stopping behind me.

I heard “what did you want to tell mommy?”

He was holding toddler, he wanted to give me a kiss. I know sounds all cute and all but he is vicious especially when I am eating. Husband leaves him with me reminding him that “mommy has to eat dinner then can come upstairs with you” how sweet and thoughtful, isn’t it? (No).

Anyway, I get my food to the table hoping toddler won’t want it as when he starts to eat it turns into drama, he wants, he doesn’t want, he wants it a specific way and ends up not eating anything anyway and I can’t eat in peace.

He did this earlier, I warmed up this exact same food he said he wanted it so I started giving it to him but I was hungry too so I grabbed a leftover pizza that was on the table and started eating it … I was almost over with it when toddler says he wants pizza (he HAD PIZZA EARLIER BUT DIDN’T FINISH IT!!!!) My patience was running low so I kindly told him that was MY pizza and he could eat the rice I warmed up (for myself). But he got up and left whining.

I finished eating and took him upstairs. If he wants me to put him to sleep he knows in brush his teeth. He fights me. I brush his teeth and starts crying again.

I had enough and I left the room.

Husband goes back to him and puts him to sleep eventually.

In the meantime anxious older comes downstairs to me asking me how old I am. He KNOWS HOW OLD I AM.

His new fear is that I will die because I am not a young mom (early 40’s)

I will die but probably from being mistreated by my husband not from age but nobody gets it.

I tell my son I don’t know so he asks me how old I was when I had him and again I say I don’t know and he goes back upstairs.

After a while he yells for me, after he was asked numerous times not to yell from upstairs.

My answer was that this is my time off and can’t go.

I am sitting here by myself downstairs and guess what I hear? Toddler screaming mommy.

For some reason I thought husband was able to put him to sleep. I know my son though. Husband put him to nap at 4!!! I knew he was not going to sleep before 10 or 10.30 pm and this is the proof. It’s 9.46 pm.

I am not answering. Husband went to toddler room and let him know that “mom is upset right now and he is there with him”.

I don’t care. I want time off, I spent the entire day with with kids while he slept on the couch.

This is my time off, I deserve it.

The time … I wanted to have time to myself to think …

We are on “vacation”, as usual husband went out (on his daily mission to save the world, more likely he went to put gas in the car, buy some food from the grocery store etc but this means he will be away most of the day) and I was left with the 2 pretty difficult children.

Morning started pretty rough. Toddler decided he didn’t like the clothes I put on him and took them off screaming (diaper included). Older was having a panic attack because his friend started making movies like him using the same names and ideas and it just didn’t sit well with him. What do I mean by “movies”? His main actor is his little brother who most of time refuses to cooperate but when he does something pretty cute and funny is created … his friend liked the idea and started a similar series with his own little sister and that really upset my older. Oh well.

Then I literally went to the bathroom to do my business leaving toddler in front of the iPad but my kids don’t know how to entertain themselves or be left alone (it just hit me, do you think my little one has anxiety too?? Oh crap) and are the neediest kids known to man so basically I can’t even poop, in fact he is crying in the other room. I am tired and is only 9.12 am.

I had a good dream last night. I dreamt of a guy and a girl that were giggling, they looked to be best friends, I never saw them before … I was jealous, I wanted a best friend like that … then the guy started talking to me, we got to giggle and have fun together like he was having with his best friend then he tried to kiss me but not sure what happened as older woke up … but overall I could feel myself smiling in my sleep. I rarely have good feeling dreams or dreams I can even remember.

I woke up with a good feeling … which is all went away when reality hit. I was alone with 2 needy kid, older with constant anxiety and fears and younger just cries for anything and everything. There is so much I can take. I know it sounds harsh but I am not at the peak of best mental health myself and I am constantly looking for ways to help myself and dealing with 2 difficult kids is just harder for me than for the average mother.

Plus just to F up a bit more with my head, last night before I turned off my phone I get a message from my husband that read “I love you” using a ❤ instead of the word love. He had a bunch of drinks and some drugs so that’s what was talking I imagine. Whatever.

The time … they wanted to fail my 3rd grader (part 2?)

I don’t get a break. My life is a constant fight and problems.

Now they are trying to fail my 3rd grader.

You know my 3rd grader is difficult. He has been difficult since he was a toddler.

He is strong willed. Beyond strong willed.

And was recently diagnosed with anxiety.

He is in full time remote in a public school in NYC.

Since November I have been getting calls he may fail the grade. Wait, NOVEMBER??? That’s basically the beginning of the year.

The reason? He didn’t send in assignments for science and wait for it… physical education!

I was shocked.

I hadn’t been able to follow his work on Google classroom because my mother was on her death bed but the school didn’t care.

My mother passed away.

Fast frw.

He was diagnosed with social anxiety and adjustment disorder.

I set up a meeting with the coordinator, schools psychologist and the teacher to discuss a 504 but ideally an IEP.

Out of the blue the teacher tells me she sent me an email saying my son is at risk of not passing the grade. It took me a lot of effort not to start crying.

I know my son is not a A+ student but I know for a fact that he is not a failing student either.

The teacher specified that he is not consistent. They are particularly worried about his reading comprehension. He doesn’t like essays and doesn’t enjoy writing and being strong willed he can’t process that school is not a pick and choose place, he is being told what to do and he has to do it, nope, not for him.

He has difficulties complying. And since the pandemic started he had a bad regression. You can find my post about my son when he was kicked out of private school, he was 4 and wasn’t complying. That’s how he ended in public. Public treated him well till the pandemic started.

Anyway.

I started researching and the first thing I did was sending an email to the principal asking a simple question:

WHAT IS THE SCHOOL DOING TO SUPPORT MY CHILD BEDSIDES SENDING ME THREATENING LETTERS.

No answer.

Second thing I sent another email saying that my ADVOCATE would like to see an example of what “standard” work is compared to my child’s work.

At this point I received an answer saying this is a question for the teachers so we set an appointment.

At this point I was already upset, I had been talking to a bunch of special ed teachers, a lawyer and an advocate and all agreed that I had to push for an IEP.

Immediately, at 11 pm the same day I sent an email to the psychologist officially requesting an evaluation.

Mid winter break just started so I will have to wait and see for now.

If you have any suggestions please let me know. I will not let a faulty system hold my son back.

So the psychologist is being reconsider so far, he wrote me back on a Saturday during winter break.

I am doing tons of research to be prepared.

Ideally my son would need a neuropsych evaluation. These are not covered by insurance in New York and can run up to $3000 but I can find it for as low as $1500 with someone in training.

My husband is not on board. Obviously in his sick head there is nothing wrong with our son, he just needs more support at home.

More support at home???? I am not a teacher, never wanted to be one.

I am not a therapist.

And English is not my first language, not even my second for that matter, English is my 3rd language and I find his text comprehension tests difficult as well so I am in no position to help him as I am not even sure what the correct answer is.

My husband said he will sit and help him through the day. BS!!!!!!!!!

He won’t do it.

I see my son failing the grade in front of my eyes, I will NOT let that happen, it will have such a bad social emotional impact on him that will take years of therapy to undo. I am not ok with that. He clearly has difficulties that need support the school is not providing.

I joined a bunch of Facebook groups about IEPs and school evaluations but the hard part is sit and read all the answers. Last night I was up till 1 am going back and forth with other mothers who went through the process. It’s complicated and certainly not easy. It takes me a lot of concentration as many of the words used and abbreviations I am not familiar with.

On the other hand I can’t do my research in front of my husband who thinks I am playing on my phone (I wish), he doesn’t understand how hard it is to go through the process correctly in order to get the right support.

I spoke to him on Friday and I was very defensive and he got mad.

Then he called a friend of his who agreed that being our son an IEP was a good idea. So great, happy his friend has more infine influence on him than me.

He said his friend’s wife went through the process and can help me. Me don’t think so.

I will do my own research and will get back to you but I am on my own. No help, no support. Me against the world, at least this is how I feel.

The time … I finally decided to address my son’s anxiety.

So my 8 years old has social anxiety which has been getting worse over Zoom learning.

I finally decided to find a therapist to work with him but most are working only remote and he is having enough “remote” time as it is so my husband said it has to be in person.

And who got the miserable mission to find the unicorn in person therapist? Moi, me, I.

So after going to the Facebook group of the town we moved to and put multiple ads asking for a brilliant therapist I get a name that sounds very promising. My luck she just gave birth and is ignoring all my messages and Voicemails.

Back to the search I put another ad and I get this therapist who decided to self promote herself. Her picture was not promising at all and my own therapist says I am good judge of characters but I gave her the benefit of the doubt because she said she would do in person sessions.

So today I took my son for his first session.

First red flag, when I spoke to her over the phone on Friday she said she would see both of us on Monday… I specified that I will not be answering questions about my son’s difficulties in front of him but seems like that didn’t particularly sink in.

We got to her office and she starts asking questions to my son. I don’t talk.

Then it’s my turn and she asks me to describe his issues. Somehow, with a strategic eyebrow movement as i was wearing a mask, I let her understand that I am not talking about him in front of him, takes her a few minutes to get the bulb shining in her brain and she asks my son to go sit in the waiting room (by himself, with no book, no toys, no nothing so I felt bad and handed him my phone).

We spoke for a good 20 minutes where she went on pouring out her thoughts about my poor mothering methods:

Satan: “Kids should sleep on their own starting at 2 months, own bed, own room”

Me:”I could never let me baby cry for hours”

Satan:”they don’t cry for hours”

Me:”well, you know? There are different views on the matter …”

Satan:”no, there is only 1 view, they have to self soothe”

You have to understand that my 8 years old still needs human contact to sleep but you have to also know that he had his own crib and his own room when he was a baby, so clearly her view is faulty.

My 8 years old still needs reassurance, we were considering moving him into his own bed but now that she said that I may keep him in the big bed lol

Then she went on saying that if he doesn’t learn to self soothe he will grow up doing drugs and alcohol. Now, seriously, first session, we just met and you say these horrible things to me? Are you trying to piss me off? Scare me? Not sure exactly what she was trying to do. She was also extremely arrogant and condescending.

I got so upset that I started having intestinal distress symptoms (aka diarrhea) without a bathroom at the horizon.

It was my son’s turn next.

I went to the waiting room with my phone. I heard him talk but he would talk to anybody 1:1 (even to Satan apparently).

Anyway, he got about 10 minutes and we were on our way home.

It was already dark (mind you it was only 5 pm) and I hate hate hate driving (in general) and even more in the dark.

Every time I get in the car with my son I ask him to grow faster so he can drive me around lol I count the days.

I get home and I get a text from Satan telling me she forgot to charge me a copay. Oh my, I also had to pay to hear her nonsense????

Ok, I paid but then I couldn’t stop myself and shared a bit of my own brain with her, and this is what I wrote:

“Nice meeting you but unfortunately I don’t think it will be a good fit. We have very different opinions on things. Letting a baby cry has been scientifically proven to affect the brain. My little one who had contact since born is much more outgoing than my 8 years old who was put to sleep on his own in a crib in a separate room. Only that can prove your theory wrong. I did not appreciate your set ways and your not willing to accept that there are other point of views other than the ones you learned in school.
Regards.
Ps i paid.”

Yup. I wrote “nice meeting you” could you imagine?

Anyway, let’s play a game, do you think she answered?

Yes?

No?

Lesson: don’t mess with me and/or my kids. Only I can do that lol j/k.

The time … I felt like a failure as a mom (part 2)

Yup, I feel like a failure pretty often.

I just found out that a relative of mine is pregnant with her 4th child.

How do they do it? I can barely handle 2, 1 of them being a dragon makes it 100% harder. The second one is only 2 so too early to see if he is a dragon too, with my luck? He may as well be one too.

What is a dragon? A strong willed, spirited, call it whatever you want, bottom line these are difficult children to raise. Each has their own difficulties. Mine doesn’t listen, he has no respect for his parents and is not scared to do something he is not supposed to do. Answers back and always argues.

I often wonder how would have been to have an easy child as my first … maybe I would have had more kids … maybe I would have not gotten scarred by being a parent and having such a difficult child.

Another relative of mine has 5 children. I just can’t wrap my head around how they can handle 5 kids, I actually asked her and her response was that her kids are easy.

I wish my kids were easy.

In my house every day is a fight.

Every day my dragon does something he is not supposed to do. Sometimes I am so exhausted that I just let him do it, there is so much fight I can handle.

But 4 or 5 kids? I wonder if they would have stopped if had a dragon? I wonder if they would have had 4 kids if their 1st was a dragon.

I am very down today. I would have loved to have 3 kids but looks like 2 will be.

I thought I got over it but apparently i didn’t, when I heard this relative was pregnant again I got upset … I thought I was over it but apparently I am not.

Living with Bipolar

No, I am not the one who is Bipolar, it’s my husband. But I live with him, so I live with Bipolar as well.

Bipolar is mostly who has episodes of manic highs followed by months of extreme depression.

My husband has average 6 months of highs followed by 6 months of depression. Why doesn’t he take meds? Because, as he claims, he likes his highs as they are very productive for work but then I have to deal with his lows. I am lucky enough that during his highs he doesn’t have crazy spending sprees.

I don’t even force him to take drugs as I am not pro drugs to begin with but I wish there was a better way to deal with his lows.

Living with someone with a bipolar disorder means that you have to adapt to his mood changes. Not easy.

In the months of depression he barely talks, sleeps longer in the mornings and doesn’t want to see anybody.

In his highs he is extremely sociable, funny, active, and as he says, productive at work.

A few years ago during a low episode he said he wanted to divorce me but wouldn’t do it because I would have not been able to take care of myself. So he just stopped talking to me for months. We were still sleeping in the same bed but he wouldn’t look nor talk to me. He told me terrible things, like he didn’t care for me nor our son (at the time we had 1).

I am not sure how I managed to get through that time.

Eventually, one day, I remember, he asked me to go get dinner with him. On the way to the car he reached for my hand.

I knew that meant he was getting over that phase and back to normal.

After that episode he had another one a few years later, this was different though. He was deeply depressed but this time he was harmless, no verbal abuse, he was just very sad like a beaten up puppy.

We tried to treat him with homeopathy but it’s knows that it can take a long time to see results and we couldn’t wait that long.

Then he tried acupuncture and Chinese herbal supplements, these seemed to help but still not enough.

At the end he decided to see a psychiatrist who prescribed him 2 pills.

After starting these pills he started feeling better pretty quickly.

He took the pills for a few months and when he felt stable he quit and was able to go on without.

If you live with someone with bipolar disorder I don’t envy you.

I remember he mentioning it when we were dating but I had never heard of it and didn’t pay too much attention . Maybe if I knew I would have not married him, but I am not going to divorce him, that’s not in my culture nor mentality.