The time … I wanted to have time to myself to think …

We are on “vacation”, as usual husband went out (on his daily mission to save the world, more likely he went to put gas in the car, buy some food from the grocery store etc but this means he will be away most of the day) and I was left with the 2 pretty difficult children.

Morning started pretty rough. Toddler decided he didn’t like the clothes I put on him and took them off screaming (diaper included). Older was having a panic attack because his friend started making movies like him using the same names and ideas and it just didn’t sit well with him. What do I mean by “movies”? His main actor is his little brother who most of time refuses to cooperate but when he does something pretty cute and funny is created … his friend liked the idea and started a similar series with his own little sister and that really upset my older. Oh well.

Then I literally went to the bathroom to do my business leaving toddler in front of the iPad but my kids don’t know how to entertain themselves or be left alone (it just hit me, do you think my little one has anxiety too?? Oh crap) and are the neediest kids known to man so basically I can’t even poop, in fact he is crying in the other room. I am tired and is only 9.12 am.

I had a good dream last night. I dreamt of a guy and a girl that were giggling, they looked to be best friends, I never saw them before … I was jealous, I wanted a best friend like that … then the guy started talking to me, we got to giggle and have fun together like he was having with his best friend then he tried to kiss me but not sure what happened as older woke up … but overall I could feel myself smiling in my sleep. I rarely have good feeling dreams or dreams I can even remember.

I woke up with a good feeling … which is all went away when reality hit. I was alone with 2 needy kid, older with constant anxiety and fears and younger just cries for anything and everything. There is so much I can take. I know it sounds harsh but I am not at the peak of best mental health myself and I am constantly looking for ways to help myself and dealing with 2 difficult kids is just harder for me than for the average mother.

Plus just to F up a bit more with my head, last night before I turned off my phone I get a message from my husband that read “I love you” using a ❤ instead of the word love. He had a bunch of drinks and some drugs so that’s what was talking I imagine. Whatever.