The time … I met with an old friend…

I am not a cheater, is not in my DNA. But when husband is mean to me I wonder how it feels to be with someone who is nice to you all the time.

Would it be boring? Would I appreciate it? Did I get used to being mistreated?

One day I was on Facebook, I made a comment on someone’s post on a local group through a fake profile of mine. This person sent me a private message.

We started chatting about politics till I read his name. I knew this guy. I had gone on one single date over 20 years ago.

Mind blowing fact: the week prior to him sending me this message I was thinking what happened to him (as I hadn’t seen him in over 20 years).

I decided to mention to him that I knew him. He was totally puzzled, had no idea who I was (clearly as that was not my real name) so we spoke more … and more and then some more. We opened up about our relationships, how my husband is bipolar and how he is not happy in his marriage but won’t get out of it.

Eventually I told him my real name and it was a shock to him. As I mentioned, I am a pretty girl. He started having fantasies about me.

We have been chatting for a month. He asked to meet. I agreed. I had no intention to do anything but talk.

We sat somewhere by the water. He asked for a hug and I was ok giving it to him because I know he lacks it and misses affection. Honestly I felt like I was a teenager again. Then he kissed me on the cheek and he was so happy about it just like a little boy who scores a kiss. FYI, he is 50.

I can not see myself be with him to give you an idea but he is a gentle soul and it hurts me to see him so sad. I can see how unhappy he is, is so clear.

He admitted he was hoping to get at least a kiss out of our meeting but he was ok that he didn’t.

We chatted after and I told him it felt awkward. We talked a bit about it and then he told me that no matter what he adores me.

Clearly I melted.

My husband loves me, in his own way but I know he does. Does he tell me he adores me? No. It feels good to hear that.

My friend, let’s call him Jack just for the sake of giving him a name, asked me if I could see myself living without husband, and this was his way of asking me if I loved him. My answer surprised myself, I thought about it and I said no. Could be because of habit or because when he is not always nasty, he can be a decent person … but clearly I got used to him and I said I couldn’t see myself living without him.

You have to know that 80% of my friends used to be guys. I get along with guys better than girls. I have 2 girl friends. I used to have 1 single guy friend (not the one who got married) I used to chat with ALL the time, my husband knew him too and was ok with it. We literally used to chat through text for hours. It never bothered my husband because I knew this guy for a long time and he knew nothing was going to happen and felt he was harmless.

But I tell you a little story.

One of the times I had to take my mom to the hospital I felt that my husband was not being supportive. I texted my friend (the single one) and he offered to come sit with me. He sat with me in the waiting room for a few hours! He really loved me, I know he loved me since before I met my husband but I was never attracted to him. But his gesture made me really have a strong feeling for him and I was planning on giving him a big hug and even a kiss (we never touched, not even a hug, nothing) … I was trying to get close to him, when we crossed the street I pulled his arm etc … but before leaving he just waved goodbye and left. He knew better. He knew nothing was going to happen.

Unfortunately we got into a big fight when my mom got diagnosed with cancer, he said something that upset me, maybe not intentional but I was very sensitive given the circumstances and I didn’t take it well and I answered him back. He said to never talk to him again till I apologized. And we never spoke again.

We got into these kinds of fights before and would last a year and he would write me back on my birthday wishing me happy birthday and we would start over but this time was different. He had gotten his girlfriend pregnant and he was having his own troubles. It has been over a year and never heard back from him.

I missed having someone to talk to. Unfortunately though you can’t have a strictly friendly relationship if there is attraction from either part, and with Jack, he feels attraction towards me especially because of the “excitement” of dating a married woman who is part of his same community.

Anyway. I really don’t know what’s going to happen. I hate to hide it from my husband, I wish I could just tell him I have this new guy friend … I actually tried to but he wasn’t really listening. He knows I have a lot of guy friends anyway so I was trying to put it out there …

I am not sure what to do with this friendship though. I feel bad cutting it off, he really seems to need someone to talk to and so do I.

————

….. and months later I found out this is called an emotional affair, how naive am I? I cut it off.

The time… the neighbors wouldn’t let their kids play

So my neighbors have 3 kids. 2 are the same age as mine (more or less) 9 and 2.5 – mine are 8 and 3.

My older loves playing with this boy.

Saturday is a very boring day for my kids. Husband is either at synagogue praying or at home sleeping.

We are not allowed to: watch TV, use any toys with electricity, drive, use money, cutting, drawing, painting, cooking … basically the only thing they can do is sleep. You try to get these kids to nap. Lol good luck.

So when my older made friends with the neighbor’s son it was such a good feeling. No more nagging, he would wake up at the crack of dawn, as usual, and would go wake up the neighbors … that was not good, so I told him he has to wait at least till 11 am as they were (understandably) late risers on week ends.

As soon as the boy was ready to play they would hang out for hours till the mother would put her head out and call her son’s name. Why, oh why?

I think she felt embarrassed that her son was always in my backyard. I didn’t care at all! I loved it because that meant I didn’t have to hear my son nagging me all day.

Every other minute the neighbor would call her son to go back indoors at the end I had to ask her as they also keep the shabbat meaning her kids were restricted from everything fun they could do, I had to ask her WHY she kept on asking her son to go back inside.

Another thing is that when her 9 years old is out her toddler wants to go out too and she has to follow him meaning that she has to run after him and she is always exhausted on Saturdays for some reason.

Her objective was to: keep her toddler in, make sure he napped so she could nap too and keep her older kids inside too ideally having them nap also (hahahahaha gotta love her positivity).

So I asked her:”what do your kids do inside??”

The answer was :”they fight”

So why???? Why???? Why would you call him to go back inside???

Can’t you put your foot down and tell your toddler he can’t go out if you don’t want to run after him?

She makes her older son go in if her toddler needs to take a bath, why? Because her toddler wouldn’t go shower if the older brother is not home. What??? And she agrees to that?? She lets her toddler make the rules?

I don’t know but I find it odd.

Her toddler (and 3rd child) is 7 years younger than her second child and she definitely spoils him.

If he falls just tripping while walking she would run to him picking him up and checking him and hugging him and telling him everything is OK and just hold him for minutes. I don’t know, I feel it’s too much then she tells me he is spoiled, lol, no kidding!

I am not perfect myself, don’t get me wrong and moms are always judging each other, consciously or unconsciously and I understand that’s wrong (but I am doing it!).

I am not so friendly with her yet to tell her my thoughts so it drives me crazy because I usually talk my mind.

But honestly what bothers me the most is the fact that she calls her older son to go indoors every 15 minutes. I just want to yell “let them live and have fun!!!” And shut up!!!!! Lol

The time … I wanted to have time to myself to think …

We are on “vacation”, as usual husband went out (on his daily mission to save the world, more likely he went to put gas in the car, buy some food from the grocery store etc but this means he will be away most of the day) and I was left with the 2 pretty difficult children.

Morning started pretty rough. Toddler decided he didn’t like the clothes I put on him and took them off screaming (diaper included). Older was having a panic attack because his friend started making movies like him using the same names and ideas and it just didn’t sit well with him. What do I mean by “movies”? His main actor is his little brother who most of time refuses to cooperate but when he does something pretty cute and funny is created … his friend liked the idea and started a similar series with his own little sister and that really upset my older. Oh well.

Then I literally went to the bathroom to do my business leaving toddler in front of the iPad but my kids don’t know how to entertain themselves or be left alone (it just hit me, do you think my little one has anxiety too?? Oh crap) and are the neediest kids known to man so basically I can’t even poop, in fact he is crying in the other room. I am tired and is only 9.12 am.

I had a good dream last night. I dreamt of a guy and a girl that were giggling, they looked to be best friends, I never saw them before … I was jealous, I wanted a best friend like that … then the guy started talking to me, we got to giggle and have fun together like he was having with his best friend then he tried to kiss me but not sure what happened as older woke up … but overall I could feel myself smiling in my sleep. I rarely have good feeling dreams or dreams I can even remember.

I woke up with a good feeling … which is all went away when reality hit. I was alone with 2 needy kid, older with constant anxiety and fears and younger just cries for anything and everything. There is so much I can take. I know it sounds harsh but I am not at the peak of best mental health myself and I am constantly looking for ways to help myself and dealing with 2 difficult kids is just harder for me than for the average mother.

Plus just to F up a bit more with my head, last night before I turned off my phone I get a message from my husband that read “I love you” using a ❤ instead of the word love. He had a bunch of drinks and some drugs so that’s what was talking I imagine. Whatever.