The time … I was jealous

Jealousy is a problem. I don’t like to be jealous, I don’t want to be jealous but I am.

I am working on it, this evening I did some EFT tapping trying to release some of my jealousy, did it work? Not sure. Maybe I did it the wrong way.

Anyway, what am I being jealous about?

Remember in my previous post I mentioned seeing my old “best friend/ something more” at a party?

I got curious about him and made the mistake to Google him. Apparently he is now a CEO of a company and recently moved from a small beaten up house to a big one that he bought, with a tennis court in a prestigious area.

Me in the meantime? We don’t even own a house, we are renting and what we are renting is not even that prestigious. Just a simple overpriced rental house.

We are the same age, so I can’t even say “by the time we are his age we will have it too”. We lived in the big city for 10 years (renting), I guess it wasn’t the best decision and now here we are, still renting not being able to buy a decent house.

On top of that I have my ASD boy and my angry almost 5 years old.

I kept snooping and saw his Facebook profile and I notice he is friends with a Rabbi who is known to help couples in crisis … is his marriage as bad as mine? Would it give me comfort knowing that he is also having marriage issues? I am not sure? Maybe? I don’t know. But I wouldn’t be surprised, I mean he literally got married in a matter of a few months, I don’t think he really knew this girl, he knew she wanted to marry him, he said she “seems nice” and closed the deal.

Anyway.

Right now I am lying in bed (9.32 pm) waiting for my 10 years old to decide to go to bed. He will not go to bed before 10 pm. It used to be 9.30 and he would fall asleep by 10 pm but now is 10 pm and would fall asleep by 10.30 pm.

You will ask me what he is doing. He is cleaning up his room. I have been asking him to clean up his room for days but clearly during the day he is too busy watching very important Minecraft YouTube videos, recorded by a bunch of monkeys who love to yell, to bother cleaning up his room, so what better time than right before bed???? Makes totally sense. No doubts.

While cleaning up his room he is constantly clearing his throat (tic, stim?) which, honestly, is driving me insane.

Just so you know he will not sleep in his bed nor in his bedroom, he sleeps in the big bed with husband, while I sleep with our almost 5 years old who is almost ready for me to move out of his bed (after 3 years!).

My former “best friend / something more” has 4 kids, 3 boys and 1 girl, I wonder if he had better luck raising his. Does he get frustrated with them, is any on the spectrum? Do they drive him crazy?

I have such a hard time being a mother I believe it’s because I am likely on the spectrum myself as well. So what happens when on of my kids acts up? I get overwhelmed and my system shuts down and all I want to do is go hide under a rock.

I wish I could but I can’t because I don’t have a grounded husband either so we both get overwhelmed and that’s not good.

This “former best friend” was so calm, I remember him being such a nice guy … would I have wanted to marry him looking back? No, I don’t believe so but I wonder how my journey would have changed IF I married him instead of husband. Would I have gone into this alternative medicine route anyway? Would have I learned to cook and eat healthier? I will never know.

Anyway, I hate this but I am jealous of his success though, I wish my husband was so successful, instead I have to deal with his mood swings, depression, bipolar, anger bouts and so on.

Did I want that? No

Was I aware of this when I married him? No

Is this something I was trying to actually avoid: yes, yes, yes. I attracted it instead. You attract what you constantly think about, no matter if good or bad.

Do you have any tricks for me to feel less jealousy in general? Are you a jealous person too? As I said, I don’t want to be jealous but I have always been. I wish I could just be happy for him and his family but I have a hard time doing that!